FashionWatch

I've just got a marketing email from American Apparel offering me, "10% Off Fannies".

You'll have to write your own punchline - I'm far too disturbed.

• Do you wear clothes most days?
• Do you ever start wearing clothes before the evening begins?
• Do you ever wake up and start wearing clothes?
• Do you ever wear clothes in the morning, having worn clothes the whole night before?
• Do you ever wear clothes alone?
• Do you find it hard to socialise without "one or two" clothes?
• Do find it hard to go to work without clothes?
• Do you say to yourself, "I can get changed any time I want to"?

If you've answered yes to any of the above, you may be addicted to clothes.

This evening I bought a tie.

I had to, okay? We've got a trade show coming up at work and I just need to have one. I don't know why. It's just...just a part of me has to wear this.

Look, I'm sorry. I know it's not good enough. I didn't mean for you to find out this way.

I'll understand if you don't want to see me any more.

I hope we can still be friends.

Sorry.

We all enjoyed the photo of Batstag, didn't we? I thought so. Well, I'm glad to say there are lots more available, showing the full extent of the modern trend of putting Grooms-to-be in outlandish costume. I find this one particularly menacing.

Shock news reports that the Labour party recently paid a £7,700 bill for Cherie Blair's hair styling.

I don't think we're spending enough.

Apparently ties are back in. Yikes. Hateful, hateful things...

Care of Mr Dray, here's a shot of me wearing one of my more controversial fashion choices:

I've just seen a woman cycle past wearing a red summer dress, a big black bicycle helmet and a big black pollution mask. She looked like Darth Vader in drag. Most disturbing.

A quick one for Friday - if you're looking for some hot fashion tips, there's much to be learned from the 10 worst album covers of all time. I particularly enjoyed "Devastatin' Dave, The Turntable Slave". I wouldn't be surprised if he's covered Hot Shot City.

Stop the press, stereotype watchers - yesterday afternoon broke new ground. I was walking up from Hampstead station to the heath, and passed an Anglican vicar who was young, female, rather well-dressed and pretty bloody dishy. You could say that she was wearing a little too much black, but I think it gave her a snappy post-Gothic chic, and besides, black goes with anything, even Jesus.

Full marks to the Angles, I say.

As I mentioned, I was at Camden market on Saturday, standing by a T-shirt stall, and I overheard this:

"'ere mate, have you got that one in blue?"
"Nah, the Decepticon I've only got in green. The Autobot I've got in dark blue...or the purple."

There's a barber's shop around the corner from work. I walked past this morning, and there was a customer in the chair wearing one of those hairdresser's capes they wrap around you. A Burberry cape. A Burberry cape, ladies and gentlemen. That's all I needed. I now have good reason to phone the aliens and ask them to take me away to some better planet where 'Bling' is a sound the ray-guns make when shooting extra-terrestrial chavs.